An Open Letter To the Ex That Destroyed Me

There’s a lot I have to say, Mr. Ex, so bear with me.

There are dark things I had to deal with in the several years of our relationship. I never thought in a million years that I would let someone control and destroy my life the way you did.

I am not going to sit here and type out a list or a novel of what you put me through because the truth is: You know what you did. You deny it to my face as if I am crazy and tell other people that you treated me well, when you know exactly what kind of dark pits of hell you put me through.

Because of you how you treated me, I will probably choose to remain single for the rest of my life. I cannot trust a man to have my heart ever again. He might use every detail about my life against me like you did. He might start calling me names when he’s angry or make me feel like a whore because I’ve slept with other people besides him…like you did. What if he tries to isolate me from family and friends and tell me that no one cares about me in the entire world…like you did. What if he starts a f**ked up yearly tradition in February too, where I have let you do what ever you want to me sexually no matter how upset I am or how PREGNANT I am because I was a “whore” during the February we were BROKEN UP (YEARS AGO). And I can’t turn him down because “I open my legs for everyone else…”

What if he makes me feel so alone and dark like you did? And tells me to end my life…like you did. And the one time I attempted…he leaves me alone… and then shames me for it later.

What if he decides, seven years into our relationship, to tell me that I was always just a piece of ass?

But yet… this “piece of ass” was lazy and not creative in bed.

What if he doesn’t support me bettering my life with a college education…like you did. Even though the community college was a half-mile from our house and too far for you to drive.

There’s always a chance that he could hide me from the world like you did, whenever I got pregnant or just in general–as if he is ashamed of me.

And well, marriage is completely out of the question… because “he will never marry a girl like me…” That’s the same thing you said to me.

And let’s not even talk about children. I might not be allowed to breastfeed his child either because “I am too impure and disgusting to do so.” He might also think breastfeeding is gross in general because his mother didn’t breastfeed.

Then, after dealing with all his torture, I might decide to leave him and be bashed for that too. The kids might be used as weapons to hurt me. Co-Parenting will probably be non-existent because I am just the deadbeat mother who “isn’t there for them.”

Or…

It could turn out an entirely different way. I could find a man who treats me well. Who knows was consent is and doesn’t call me a “feminist pig” when I want to vote for the Democratic woman. He’d be proud to display me on his Facebook page and put a relationship status as “In a Relationship with Keisha Smith.” I could find a man that respects that I want to breastfeed and is totally supportive of that action. I could find a man who has no idea what chauvinistic behavior is… you know, he’s willing to cook, help me clean, give the kids baths, let me rest if I am sick, get up with the baby if I just worked a 16-hour night shift, etc. I could find a man who thinks I am worth far far more than the dirt beneath his shoe–or the shit on his toilet paper. A man who won’t see me as a useless burden who is wasting space. And a man who understands that women have a menstrual cycle and that accidents happen and he won’t banish me from the bed for all eternity if they do. A man who genuinely loves me for me.

You are probably reading this thinking that this will never happen for me because to you I am nothing. All I can say is, one day you’ll regret how you treated me when a man comes along and treasures the very woman you thought was trash. He will be the smile on my face and a good role model for the kids (the boys I have with you). He will show them everything a man should be. I’ll be wearing a white dress and looking beautiful AF as I have my first dance with him…

But oh well, I am just a whore who doesn’t want to commit to anyone… right? 😉

 

 

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Things I Have Dealt With as a Mother of Special Needs Children

Special needs children are some of the most loving, caring kids I have ever seen and I am not just saying that because I have two kids under that spectrum. They really are a blessing. Special needs is never easy to deal with and it comes with a lot of pain, feeling of failure, and lack of support–usually. It got me thinking that some of these feelings are probably induced by other people. Here is what I mean:

My older son, who is now 8, has what is called childhood apraxia of speech (CAS) . For a long time he struggled to speak and form words and after years of speech therapy he finally had his voice. Now he is never quiet. But there are still some issues that he has to overcome like comprehension, language skills, and conversation skills. When he was younger, say around 2-3, I used to hear some of the worst things that I could hear. “You’re the quiet/shy parent and he is around you the most, he is probably just picking up your habits.” Then there was my other favorite saying, “You’re just not talking to him enough.”

These things hurt. The way people said these things you would think I just locked my toddler up in a room with no stimulation or human interaction ever. It killed me inside and made me feel like a bad mother, not to mention that it seemed other people thought the same.

The criticism got worse when I had my second son, he is now 5. He, to this day, has not spoken a word. He’s been diagnosed with autism. He’s a loving boy who loves to be tickled and watch Tangled. He will run at full speed towards the site of a cookie or cupcake. He loves his blanket. And when people saw that I now had two children not speaking or speaking well… I got criticized by the closest people to me. I was the stay-at-home-mom. “What are you doing all day that your kids aren’t talking?” I tried to do what the speech therapists would tell me and their father to do at home with them, but it wasn’t enough. “You’re not working with them enough” and “You’re probably on Facebook all day.” There was a time where I would be conscience about how much I shared on Facebook because, even though you could probably share thirty “memes” and articles in a matter of two minutes, I had to keep the “appearance” that I was actually focused on my kids 24/7 even though I already was. It was tough.

They say it takes a village to raise a child and an ever bigger village to raise a special needs child and well, to put it frankly, I had no village. I had no support system. Just a bunch of criticism and hateful comments.

There is something else that I’ve noticed about friends and family members (more so family members) and keep in mind, my children are not bad kids nor are they difficult to handle. My kids love Sea World. It’s a place where they go and believe it or not–no meltdowns happen, they truly enjoy the animals, and they have loads of fun. Almost all the members of their family had yearly passes. My kids were always left out. Every single time… despite the fact that they had passes themselves. I’d see posts on Facebook of other family members going to Sea World and having a grand ol’ time and never–not even once– inviting my children (this wasn’t one or two times either… this was over a period of a few years). I don’t mean to sound like a brat here, or entitled, but I know one day my kids will notice this. It may not be until they reach the age of being on social media, and they see the pictures that I see, but they’ll know. What am I supposed to do when they feel sad about not being invited? I can tell you that I won’t sugarcoat it one little bit. And it makes me bitter that my kids get left out just because it seems no one wants to deal with them. It’s heartbreaking. And I hope certain people read this article. That’s how bitter I am.

Special needs kids are just like any other kids. They need to be given the same opportunities to do things as anyone else. As a society, and even as a family unit, we can’t isolate them from things and people in the world. They grow and learn like everyone else. And parents cannot help the fact that their kids were dealt the cards they were dealt. So please, next time you think you are an expert on special needs parenting and think you need to make a hateful comment, reconsider it, because parents in general are doing the best they can.

Can a Conservative and a Liberal Be in a Relationship?

I think some people can relate when I say, it seems politics used to be simple. I remember back in the 90s and even 2000s when the only real debate between a liberal and a conservative was the issue of abortion. In which case, I think two people who see differently on that issue alone can be in a relationship no problem.

Nowadays it seems that politics have morphed into this diabolical mess of morals, insults, racism, and the notion that people don’t deserve the basic needs of survival, you know: food, water, air, shelter, education, and well… sex.

So here is the question: Can a Conservative and a Liberal be in a relationship?

Well, here is what I know about relationships:

I know for a fact that relationships take hard work. You have to respect the other person’s differences and understand that you are not two people in the same pod but two entirely different people altogether. Every couple disagrees on SOMETHING–That’s part of a healthy relationship. But what if the person has a completely different view on life as you do? Is it possible. Jeanne Safer, Ph. D, wrote an article for Huffington Post on this exact subject. She is a liberal and has been with her conservative husband for 30+ years and somehow they are making it work. Click here for her article. According to her, she and her husband rarely fight and although they have differences in political views, they each keep an open mind.

Nowadays, I am not sure people would be so lucky. Mind you, I am a liberal myself and there are things I have a hard time accepting from the conservative front. I cannot agree that the violence-free National Anthem protesting is a bad thing. I do not agree that a woman should have no control over her reproductive rights. I agree that struggling families should have every right to government assistance even if it comes out of my tax dollars. I agree that immigrants and refugees have a right to make America their home just as I have. I could go on and on. Could I really be with a man who didn’t see eye-to-eye with me on that? Call me weak, but I don’t think I could deal with it. At the end of the day, even if it is a fantasy in the making, I’d like to think that I will be with a partner who I could stand next to and fight for the rights of all people despite race, religion, gender, social class, economic class together–hand in hand.

In conclusion, could it work? Sure. But here is the problem, both of you will have to set your beliefs aside and possibly never discuss these topics without hating each other. I say, why bother? At this point in my life, my beliefs in basic human rights is not something I am willing to sacrifice, especially for a relationship.

 

 

Things CNA School Won’t Teach You

CNA Training is usually quick and if you studied enough, you can pass the state license exam but believe me when I say–MOST THINGS YOU WILL LEARN AREN’T IN THE TEXTBOOK(S)! Here’s what you should REALLY know… besides Universal Precautions of course:

  1. You never know what to expect when you come into work

One time I came in and three patients on my unit had passed away, another time I came in and a man was trying to climb the wall like Spider Man, another time I came in and a patient decided she didn’t like my name and gave me a new one. It’s always a surprise!

  1. You will make many mistakes

No one is perfect especially if they are new at this job. I made quite a few mistakes of my own from accidentally throwing away hearing aids to burning popcorn and the fire department showing up (luckily nothing serious happened). The thing about being a CNA is that you will always be learning new things and part of that is learning from your mistakes.

  1. There is always that one (or more) resident who doesn’t have anyone

One of the saddest things I see as a CNA were the residents who didn’t have family members to come visit them. It’s an untold reality in America that the elderly are often dumped and abandoned in these places (nursing homes) and all they have is the nursing staff in their life. That’s where we come in and help them feel a little more at home and loved in an otherwise lonely place.

  1. Textbook Alzheimer’s/Dementia is totally different than dealing with it in real life

Where do I even begin with this? Dealing with dementia patients is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It’s an umbrella of symptoms, behaviors, and interactions. It’s not simply “forgetting their life.” It’s taking on a completely different individual. And from a caretaker standpoint, it’s completely challenging. You have the combative patients, the dance-all-day patients, the bed-bound patients, the nightly screamers, and wanderers—of course the list goes on. Some are even a combination of things. I used to take care of a woman who was so lovely and playful during the day and at night she would scream for her mother. This is called “sun downing” by the way (where patients exhibit different behaviors at nighttime). I don’t know what happened in this woman’s life but she felt the need to scream out for her mother as if she needed to find her and protect her. Alzheimer’s is a beautiful, yet awful thing and it takes a strong heart to handle it on a daily basis.

  1. You’re not just a “Certified Ass-Wiper”

Do you wipe ass? Absolutely! Is there a lot of poop? Oh, definitely, especially if there is a stomach flu that spreads throughout your entire facility. But that’s not where your job ends nor where it begins really. You have anywhere from 8-20 patients to keep safe, clean, happy, fed, did I mention safe? There are times where you will be a friend, a shoulder to cry on, someone to lash out on, someone to flirt with, someone to keep company, etc. Your patients don’t just want a nurse’s aide, they want a friend…and granted some see you as a maid… but a maid isn’t a Certified Ass-Wiper right?

  1. There is always a chance that you will witness abuse

This is always a tricky and rather tough subject. I’ve worked in a facility where abuse had a zero-tolerance policy and I have worked in a place where abuse was overlooked. In the place where abuse was overlooked (I won’t name the name of the company) I witnessed CNA’s tying someone up with a towel in the shower, residents being denied drinks with their meals, a male CNA staying in the room way too frikkin long with female patients (do I have any proof that anything happened?…No, but I definitely raised my eyebrows), patients being rough-handled, name calling, a fellow CNA making fun of a female patients genitals… and that’s about all I can think of right now. I did my fair share of reporting crap and here is my advice: if management/administration doesn’t take care of it, take it higher. There is always AHCA (if you are in Florida) and other elderly services in almost every area that will hopefully handle the issue and you can report anonymously also. In fact, here is a link that will give you resources for each state: https://ncea.acl.gov/resources/state.html

  1. It’s back-breaking but it’s rewarding

You will bust your ass every shift to ensure your patients are cared for and there will be plenty of rough, “full moon” days. Remember, though, you are helping in such a big way. Your patients wouldn’t be as happy without you and let’s face it—the nurses wouldn’t be either. At the end of the day, you know you’ve done such wonderful things to help the elderly in our society live a more rewarding life and that will reflect in your life as well.

Guys, Stop Using Menstrual Cycles as an Insult.

Let me first explain what a menstrual cycle is… According to WebMD :

The menstrual cycle is the series of changes a woman’s body goes through to prepare for a pregnancy. About once a month, the uterus grows a new lining (endometrium) to get ready for a fertilized egg. When there is no fertilized egg to start a pregnancy, the uterus sheds its lining. This is the monthly menstrual bleeding (also called menstrual period) that women have from their early teen years until menopause, around age 50.

Source check that here: https://www.webmd.com/women/tc/normal-menstrual-cycle-topic-overview#1

Okay so now that we know what periods are, why are we using them as an insult? We can’t help that this happens to our uterus EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. It’s natural.

Ladies, how many times have you heard a man say: “Are you on the rag or something?” “You’re being a bitch, you must be on your period!”

Men, listen up, and listen INTENTLY: If we are upset with you, chances are that our uterus didn’t tell us to be so. You genuinely said or did something to upset us. It goes back to my last article about men not being accountable for their actions. You can’t simply blame EVERYTHING on our periods. Just like we cannot blame everything on Erectile Dysfunction.

Want to hear the sad thing about all this? The men that I hear saying this type of thing aren’t young guys in high school or college…nope… they are fully grown men well over 30 who really, really should know better. *big eye roll*

So guys, instead of blaming every little thing on periods with all the women in your life, try instead to be mindful of your actions and words and we can promise that you won’t get negative reactions. Hey, it’s worth a shot.

 

Why Do We Excuse Men’s Behavior?

It starts from when every little girl is young. You hear the cliché statements that have been passed on for centuries and yet no one has stopped to think (until rather recently) that this was a dangerous thing to let young girls believe—“He only pokes you because he likes you” or “Your brother is just trying to annoy you, ignore him.” Myself growing up with two older brothers, male cousins, a dad, uncles who picked on me–the list goes on–have dealt with this firsthand. I don’t think people understand how dangerous this is. If we are taught as young girls to simply put up with a man’s sh*t, how and what will we accept when we are adults?

Society as a whole tends to excuse male tendencies. Men can have a million sexual partners and no one blinks an eye, but if a woman were to do the same thing—she’d be called every nasty thing in the book. I used to talk about this oh so common double-standard with a male friend and he’d say, “Well women are held to a higher standard.” But why? Why is that men can be rude, show authority, be as sexual as they want, treat people the way they want, etc and people just DEAL WITH IT? But if a woman shows authority she’s being a b*tch, a sexual woman is a whore—you get the idea. It seems that men are never accountable for their actions and it starts when they are little lads.

This type of ingraining tells women that we just need to “let it slide.” In our adult relationships, we ignore what most people would see as red flags because “he does it because he likes me.” He acted like an a**hole at dinner because he likes me. He keeps me from my friends to protect me. He hits me because he loves me. And yes, before you think I am being over-dramatic, it CAN go that far—and more often than not it does.

We need to stop teaching our little boys that this is the proper way to display affection. We need to teach them how to properly show a girl (or boy) that they like them. Teach them to use their words. I cannot tell you how many men I have come across and their communication is awful and the only things they know how to express are anger, poking fun, or straight up bullying. I have a hard time believing that it’s merely “how men are wired.” It goes far beyond that. Society needs to understand that men are far past the stages of the cavemen when their brains were smaller and their thoughts basic. In this era, men are complex, thinking, emotional creatures. There needs to be more emphasis on teaching them how to detect and display emotions. No one should have to “deal with” caveman behaviors.

All in all, teach your sons how to behave instead of teaching your daughters to accept rude and crude behavior.