There’s a lot I have to say, Mr. Ex, so bear with me.
There are dark things I had to deal with in the several years of our relationship. I never thought in a million years that I would let someone control and destroy my life the way you did.
I am not going to sit here and type out a list or a novel of what you put me through because the truth is: You know what you did. You deny it to my face as if I am crazy and tell other people that you treated me well, when you know exactly what kind of dark pits of hell you put me through.
Because of you how you treated me, I will probably choose to remain single for the rest of my life. I cannot trust a man to have my heart ever again. He might use every detail about my life against me like you did. He might start calling me names when he’s angry or make me feel like a whore because I’ve slept with other people besides him…like you did. What if he tries to isolate me from family and friends and tell me that no one cares about me in the entire world…like you did. What if he starts a f**ked up yearly tradition in February too, where I have let you do what ever you want to me sexually no matter how upset I am or how PREGNANT I am because I was a “whore” during the February we were BROKEN UP (YEARS AGO). And I can’t turn him down because “I open my legs for everyone else…”
What if he makes me feel so alone and dark like you did? And tells me to end my life…like you did. And the one time I attempted…he leaves me alone… and then shames me for it later.
What if he decides, seven years into our relationship, to tell me that I was always just a piece of ass?
But yet… this “piece of ass” was lazy and not creative in bed.
What if he doesn’t support me bettering my life with a college education…like you did. Even though the community college was a half-mile from our house and too far for you to drive.
There’s always a chance that he could hide me from the world like you did, whenever I got pregnant or just in general–as if he is ashamed of me.
And well, marriage is completely out of the question… because “he will never marry a girl like me…” That’s the same thing you said to me.
And let’s not even talk about children. I might not be allowed to breastfeed his child either because “I am too impure and disgusting to do so.” He might also think breastfeeding is gross in general because his mother didn’t breastfeed.
Then, after dealing with all his torture, I might decide to leave him and be bashed for that too. The kids might be used as weapons to hurt me. Co-Parenting will probably be non-existent because I am just the deadbeat mother who “isn’t there for them.”
It could turn out an entirely different way. I could find a man who treats me well. Who knows was consent is and doesn’t call me a “feminist pig” when I want to vote for the Democratic woman. He’d be proud to display me on his Facebook page and put a relationship status as “In a Relationship with Keisha Smith.” I could find a man that respects that I want to breastfeed and is totally supportive of that action. I could find a man who has no idea what chauvinistic behavior is… you know, he’s willing to cook, help me clean, give the kids baths, let me rest if I am sick, get up with the baby if I just worked a 16-hour night shift, etc. I could find a man who thinks I am worth far far more than the dirt beneath his shoe–or the shit on his toilet paper. A man who won’t see me as a useless burden who is wasting space. And a man who understands that women have a menstrual cycle and that accidents happen and he won’t banish me from the bed for all eternity if they do. A man who genuinely loves me for me.
You are probably reading this thinking that this will never happen for me because to you I am nothing. All I can say is, one day you’ll regret how you treated me when a man comes along and treasures the very woman you thought was trash. He will be the smile on my face and a good role model for the kids (the boys I have with you). He will show them everything a man should be. I’ll be wearing a white dress and looking beautiful AF as I have my first dance with him…
But oh well, I am just a whore who doesn’t want to commit to anyone… right? 😉